my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
