I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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