I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
