Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize