I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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