My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
