i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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