I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
