I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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