Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
