I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
