I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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