Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
