Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
