i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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