It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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