dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
