so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
