fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
