If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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