Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Randomize
