Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
