Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize