you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
