You smell like stripper and shame
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize