One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
