He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My liver just had a heart attack.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
