so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
