when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize