Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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