never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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