you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
