dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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