You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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