i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
A bitchslap is in order.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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