I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
the raccoons are back...
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