im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize