im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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