i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
