Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Drunk is not a location!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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