its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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