a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
