just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
