He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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