If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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