I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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