i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
