whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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