tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize