I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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