Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
