Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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