why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
