i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
