It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
