He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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