i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
