I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
