I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Everyone says I win the strip club
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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