I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Sober January is a disaster.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
