waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
