you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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