My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You can't motorboat a personality
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
