First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
