sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
