Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
