OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
