Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
