Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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