the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
