I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
